It’s all in good fun, folks:
The entire University of Texas football team is on a striper fishing trip on Lake Texoma. A single University of Oklahoma football player steps out on the bushes on the Oklahoma shoreline and says, “Send any 10 of your players to the shore and I will whip them all by myself.” He then disappears back into the bushes.
Ten insulted and angry UT players motor boat to shore and chase after the Sooner behind the bushes. All kinds of crashing and banging is heard, and the boat is sent back with the 10 Texas players too beat up to speak. The Oklahoma player steps out and says, “Send me any 15 of your boys and I’ll whip them all by myself.” He disappears into the bushes again. Fifteen angry Longhorns come ashore and step into the bushes. Crashing and banging again is heard. Then the 15 beat up and exhausted Texas players retreat back to their boat.
The Oklahoma player steps out again. “Send me any 20 of your players and I’ll whip them all by myself.” About that time a beat up Texas player revives and says, “Don’t believe him boys, there’s two of ’em.”
***
If you get a divorce in Texas are you still cousins?
***
You might be a Texas Longhorn if….
You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
Your baby’s favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You have every episode of “Honey Boo Boo” on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a larger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.
**
A woman was walking through her new house in Austin with the contractor. As they walked through rooms, she told him what color she wanted him to paint each room. In the bedroom she said, “I think this would be nice in a cream.” The contractor stuck his head out of the window and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP!” This perplexed the woman.
They moved to the living room and she said, “I would love rose in this area.” Again the contractor strolled over to the window and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP!” Again the woman was confused but did not say anything. As they walked into the kitchen she proudly announced that she wanted this room to be, ” a glorious shade of mauve.” Once again the contractor went to the window and yelled,”GREEN SIDE UP!”
Finally she could not stand this anymore. “What are you shouting GREEN SIDE UP out every window of this house?”
He replied,”I’m sorry. I have a crew of Texas students laying sod across the street.”
***
Recently a Sooner, an Aggie, and a Longhorn wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the Sooner and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They made a movie about it.”
The Sooner answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the Aggie and, figuring Heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the Aggie had just seen the movie and answered, “1,228.”
“That’s right! You may enter.”
St. Peter then turned to the Longhorn. “Name them.”
***
Did you hear they are ripping up the turf at DK Royal Stadium in Austin and replacing it with cardboard? The Longhorns always look great on paper.
***
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Texas Longhorn fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Texas fans too.
Not really knowing what a Texas fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception.
A little girl named Hannah has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
“Because I’m not an a Texas fan” she reports.
“Then,” asks the teacher, “what are you?”
“I’m a proud Oklahoma Sooners fan” boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Hannah why she is a Sooners fan.
“Well, my Dad and Mom are Sooners, so I’m a Sooner fan too” she responds.
The teacher is angry now “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?”
Hannah smiles and says, “Then I’d be a Texas fan.”
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