Episode 10
Deliverance in 30 Minutes or It’s Free
The early morning air hangs heavy over the Blue Ridge Mountains of West Virginia. Crickets still sing dimly in the dark over the quiet murmur of Lake Puskarhootchie.
Birds chirp. Frogs croak. But suddenly another sound breaks the calm atmosphere.
“Whoop! Whoop!”
This is no whooping crane, nor is it a West Virginia Highway Patrol Car pulling over a rowdy tailgater dragging his muffler from the back of his 1979 Chevy 4×4 pickup.
It’s much more like the call of the fabled Bigfoot or “Sasquatch” resonating resoundingly over the landscape.
“Whoop! Whoop!” it repeats. The birds, the frogs, and the crickets go silent. Then we hear the tremulous reply, “Coming mother!”
Our vacationing superhero, hears none of this as he sits fishing in a small boat on the aforementioned lake. He is dressed in his sooner fishing vest and hat, covered in lures glittering in the rising sun, his specially patented Sooner Ear buds filling his head with the music of soothing Yacht Rock.
“Brandy, you’re a fine girl,” he quietly sings to himself, enjoying his getaway from the weirdness that is space bears, runaway windstorms, and giant anthropomorphic corn cobs.
He is completely unaware that the owner of the tremulous answering voice that has just been born over the pines has made his way to the edge of the lake and watching our trusty hero suspiciously. The skinny figure holds a long-fingered dirty hand over his eyes just under his skunk-skin cap. After a few moments, Soonerguy raises his head, his Sooner Senses tingling. And it only took three well-placed rocks thrown from the backwoods visitor.
Removing his ear buds, the Crimson Crusader greets Jim-Bob Backwater, the slouched, slack-jawed, three-toothed man smiling at him from the shoreline with a menacing grin.
“Greetings, friend. How are you this fine Sooner Day?”
Jim-Bob doesn’t answer and Soonerguy becomes aware of banjo music somewhere far away. After an uncomfortable silence uncomfortably passes, Jim-Bob finally speaks.
“Your lips are real purty.”
“Why thank you!” our hero answers, unaware that he is in a potentially precarious predicament.
“It’s a combination of lip conditioner and a regimen of strict maxillofacial workout routines.”
At that moment Jim-Bob runs out into the water, musket raised, a terrifying screech tearing from his lips.
“Eeeeeee!”
“Great shades of Burt Reynolds!” cries Soonerguy, tumbling from his boat into the cold lake water with a mighty splash!
What will become of our hero now? Will he drown in the murky depths of Lake Puskarhootchie? Will Jim-Bob have his way with our intrepid Super Guy?
Will Soonerguy ever catch any fish? Will Jim-Bob make it back to Mother in time for supper?
Find out in our next installment of the Adventures of Soonerguy:
“One Bigfoot in the Grave” or “Deliverance in 30 Minutes or It’s Free”!
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