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A dead dog is a better mascot than a horse with hands …. (and other stuff)

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Dear Soonerguys,

Why do the Sooner mascots Boomer and Sooner have hands? This has bugged me for a long time. Horses with hands are creepy. They’re horses. You could ask a kindergartner and I think they would be pretty sure horses don’t have hands. Don’t horses have hooves? Horseshoes wouldn’t fit properly on a horse with hands. And horses with hands are creepy.

I don’t think horses make very good mascots to begin with. Horses are intimidating. Horses have large teeth.

They remind me of a relative I had as a kid. She was the kind of relative that pinches your cheeks and buys you gifts from garage sales. She had penciled on eyebrows that made her look like she was always surprised to see you and a deep raspy voice because she was a chain smoker.

I don’t think this a very good message to send to our young Sooner fans out there, do you?

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Ty Darlington’s next chapter — where he wants to be (without football)

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Former Sooner Center Ty Darlington has written a poignant account of his next step in life.

An excerpt:

“For me, the start to this August Monday is not so much unlike the many August Mondays past. An early morning workout, followed by some time in the training room. And then it’s time to suit up and go to work. Except every time I’ve used that phrase before, I’ve referred to donning a helmet and shoulder pads and going to practice.

“But this time is the first time I’ve meant it quite literally. I’ve traded in my jersey for a button down and my practice pants for khakis. But don’t misplace your pity or disappointment; I am exactly where I’m supposed to be, and I couldn’t be more excited. It’s the first day of the rest of my life.”

You can read his full article on his website Front and Center.

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My bleak ranting — let’s get the bad stuff out of the way — this season could tank

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I don’t care how much money OU spends for suites and boxes and shaded south end zones, if Bob Stoops doesn’t get a National Championship this year they might as well be (as Stoops calls it) East Popcorn State.

There I said it. Enough is enough. I’ve been hauling myself down I-35 to Norman every home game since 1982, and I’ve not seen a more underachieving set of coaches since General Cornwallis lost to a bunch of rag tag Americans (get to know your history you mindless millennials).

The only reason the Sooners ended up in the Final Four last year is because every top team they played (TCU and Baylor) fielded their back up quarterbacks due to injury. This year they won’t get that lucky.

Here’s how I see the season playing out. Check back with me by year’s end and then tell me if I was wrong:

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